sequel2summons

CHI has moved...

Be My Tribunal

sequel2summons

It's been almost a week since I moved here.

Everything seems totally different for me now. I'm still trying to get use to the weather, the prices of everyday expenses and taking care of Jenna and Glenn.

Though I have my family around me, I still feel that hollow inside. Maybe I should just get used to it since I would have to carry this feeling my whole life (or until I've been forgiven)

I've been trying to act as normal as possible but every morning, when I wake up, that feeling of dread seems to sink in me the moment I open my eyes. And even when I'm asleep, I still have the memories of shame that I have brought upon myself.

My husband told me that no matter what happened, no matter what "the family" might say or will say, it won't matter to him because he'll be there to support me. He knows what I did was wrong and yet he never judged me or turned his back on me. Embarrasing as it may seem, I have nobody else except him.

"In time.." When would that be?

They say probably someday "the family" would be willing to forgive me. One day, I don't know when. It's just to painful to part from the people you grew up with. But it's my fault. I betrayed them and they trusted me. What hurts the most is not being able to defend myself when they would start blaming me on things I didn't do. I know I'm in no position to say "I didn't do it" and yet in their minds, the idea that I am capable to doing that deed would always stay.

Right now, I've been doubting my abilities as a mother, as a daughter and as a partner. I don't know if I could still be a good mother to Jenna. I've been tainted with the notion that I am a bad person and that my daughter would be better off without me. I don't know if I could still look into Jenna's eyes and tell her that I would give her a good life when my past would eventually haunt her as well. I don't know if I could still be able to open up my feelings to my husband when he knows that I could not be totally trusted. I don't know if my parents would still accept me after giving them too much to think about.

I don't know if I could still be myself.

I'm scared of myself. I'm afraid that I might still do something I would regret later on. I'm afraid that I would be capable of change. I'm afraid I might fail those who have tried to understand me after what I did.

I wish I could just sleep forever and just let the dreams haunt me.

Be My Tribunal

sequel2summons

In a few hours, I'll be flying back to Manila.

I just can't wait...

I don't know if I should be relieved or excited.

I'm still having my nightmares. I still feel uneasy everyday.

I still get that annoying feeling at the pit of my stomach everytime I close my eyes.

I haven't had a decent sleep eversince the "incident" happened.

I feel like I would never be the same, that I'll be scarred my whole life.

I can't even think straight anymore.

For days, I've been meaning to blog but my brain just shuts off whenever I turn the computer on.

I don't know if I could still find the courage to make things "normal" again for me.

This thing about me going back to Manila seems like the best decision.

Probably I just need enough time to assess myself and figure out how I could move on.

1 Summoned

sequel2summons

I hate it when my aunts say "IMPROVE OUR RACE" to my single cousins.

WTF?

What's there to improve? Is the Filipino race that bad? Does that mean they think half-breed kids (like my niece Sophie) are better than the kids from both Filipino parents?

I have no problem with my cousins (or my sister) not marrying Filipino partners. It's not their fault they fell in love with someone who's not Filipino. The basis of their marriage is not by the skin color or race of your partner.

It's just so upsetting that my family thinks that marrying someone white (like my sister's Spanish husband, my cousin's American girlfriend, or my ate's Italian hubby.) would mean good looking babies in the family. I mean, my Jenna's beautiful but she a pure-blooded Filipino. My skin may not be white but I can say my daughter came out pretty okay.

It's so disappointing that my own family is ashame of where they came from - no more Filipino pride for us. They're not happy that I would rather be in Manila than in New York. They wouldn't even think of retiring in the Philippines when they're old. Maybe because they've been here in the US longer that they've forgotten the place they've left behind. One of my aunts hasn't been in Manila for 17 years and counting. I go home at least once a year and the longest I've been away without going home was only two years.

I'm happy that I still feel comfortable with the skin I'm born with. I'll make them see that I could have gorgeous babies even if my Glenn's not some white dude.

1 Summoned

sequel2summons

This is insane.

My cousin just had this big wedding last July and keeps bragging about it till now but she can't even pay her parent's lawyer's fee from the lawfirm where I used to work.

What makes it so shitty is that my co-worker in the billing department who happens to be a friend of mine keeps calling Long Island regarding this matter and I feel the pressure from them because I know she's just doing her job.

It just pisses me off since I know they spent so much money for this damn wedding and I heard from my other cousins who went to the wedding that their house is fully loaded with expensive stuff and yet they can't even pay the bill from the lawyer's office wherein I myself had to ask my boss to give them a payment plan.

I feel harrassed in a way because the people they owe money from knows me. They're my friends. And its kinds embarrassing from my part.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been carrying this grudge against them (let's call them Family X). They were always the "rich" family. They had everything new and I had the hand-me-downs. They could afford big parties. And I always had this feeling that they look at me and my sister differently because we never had those nice clothes or a heavy wallet to spend on friends.

Then the issue of the "Bataan land" of my lolo became a topic of discussion in the family. Family X were able to get millions from the land and yet the other siblings, including my dad, never got a dime from that fucking land. They lived a comfortable life with brand new cars, expensive jewelry and tours out of the country while me and my dad were stuck in a mediocre lifestyle which involves thiftshops and second-hand cars.

I have no complains whatsoever on how my dad was able to provide for me and my sister because I know that he worked hard just to provide us with the basic needs - food, education and shelter. But I could just imagine what life would have been if we were able to have a share from the land my lolo left when he died. Maybe I wouldn't be so insecure about my looks or how I dress. I wouldn't feel sorry for myself when I wouldn't be able to tell stories about the travels I never had. I wouldn't have to "want" things that I know I don't really need but still want to have for the sake to having it.

Family X moved here in the US but they had a problem becoming legal residents (until now they still don't have their greencards). My dad, on the other hand, moved here shorty after then but had his greencard right away in less than three years. Karma has made it move. My dad has now built a comfortable life here in the US while they still have work and immigration problems to deal with.

The sad part is, even if I try to move away from them, Family X has this way of haunting you till they suck the life out of you. They mock you by being so nice but embarrassing you in front of others. They deny all the wrong things they've done by turning the tables on us. They still maintain they're high-class lifestyle and yet they owe money from people I know.

And still our family pities them because they don't have money anymore. What the fuck? It's their fault because they're so high-maintenanced. My family started a corporation and everybody had to give money for the bank. Last July, my aunt withdrew the money including my dad's share and gave it to Family X because they needed the money for their daughter's big wedding. It was so fucking ridiculous because they keep helping Family X who just stole inheritance money from them. Who wouldn't be pissed when your father can't even help you with your expenses but would help the same family who looked down on him? I don't really care if he's my dad's brother. I'm my dad's child and yet he'd rather help them.

This family is so dysfunctional, all I really want is move away from them. They're all about the money and the status. I'm not rich. My husband's not rich. My mom's not rich. My dad's not a millionaire. And I'm ok with it. It's just that I'm just so tired of making them realize that money's not enough. They seem to throw it into my face that I don't have the things that they have.

Yesterday my aunt said that she moved in America because she couldn't stand seeing the poor people. I was hurt from what she just said because I know in my heart I am one of those people. I try to be honest about who I am because I know what it feels like to have no food to eat, to not being able to pay the bills, to have no where to stay, to have medicine when sick. I wouldn't brag even if I'm earning enough money to support my family.

It's really hard to imagine being part of a family wherein you feel burdened by not having luxuries in life. I just wish I could simply cut the umbilical cord connecting me and them. I don't want to end up like Family X. I don't want to have my face plastered on the "Most Wanted List" because of swindling money. I don't want to be in hiding. I just want the respect from others. And I know I wouldn't get it if people still can associate me with Family X. I'm just so happy Glenn came and I had every reason to drop "Coloso" from my name.

Good riddance.

4 Summoned

sequel2summons

I have to admit, I am being selfish.

But honestly, I just can't handle all the shit anymore. I just want to think about myself, for once.

All my life, I always have to think of other people, if what I'm doing would benefit them even if it means sacrificing the things that I am. But for the past few days, I just can't do it anymore. I'm too tired to giving without getting something in return. I’m done worrying about others. I would always set aside my plans for myself just because I have to shoulder someone else's responsibilities. I always have to give way even if it means giving up the things I want.

I know it wrong but there are days when I would wish I wasn't a mother, a daughter, a sister or a wife. I have no one to rely on anyway so why bother give too much effort to play the role. I try my best to play the part diligently, but in the end I’m the one who’s not appreciated or taken for granted.

They say I take things so seriously and that I’ve become irrational recently. But I just can’t help it if my brain has gone short-circuited because I’ve got so much to think about. I feel like I have no where else to go and everybody has turned their backs on me once I need their help. Emotionally, I’m so drained that the numbness has been my refuge.

I just want to do things for myself since no one really cares about what I need anyway. I’m the only one who could be there for me so I feel that it’s just right to turn my back on other people and just focus on myself.

I’m just disappointed that when people ask me for help, my arms are always wide open. But when it’s my turn to ask favors, I get rejected. It’s so unfair since I rarely ask things for myself. I try to give as much as I can, but they deny me the small things that would make me happy.

For five years, I’ve worked hard and yet I still haven’t saved anything because I always have to think of the family I’m not really responsible for. I’ve always wanted to go back to school and get my degree but my parents don’t want to help and I have to work full-time since I have a kid to think about. I’ve been planning to have a church wedding of my own for years but my husband gets a bit sensitive about his “male ego” that we have to delay it indefinitely (or probably until I’m too old to enjoy it).

My sister moved in into her own house and I just envy her because she has everything running smoothly in her life while I, on the other hand, have to be a refugee in someone else’s home. She has her family with her so she has all the support system she needs. Her mind is just focused on her kid and her husband and she doesn’t really worry about the people that are outside her little circle. I wish I was in her shoes.

I wish I could live my life on my own without all the strings attached. I wish I could just cut out the responsibilities attached to me like a leach. It just sucks the life out of me and I just want to free myself from all the worries and the compromises.

I lay at night wondering what life would have been if I just stuck to the plan, that I would live on my own, graduate from college, have a career, get married in church, buy my own house, have kids and grow old happily. I guess I’ve missed the part wherein I have to actually execute the plan and not just have its blueprints on my head. I end up supporting my mom and her kids, I’m still an undergrad, my job only makes ends meet, my husband doesn’t want to marry me in church, I have no where to live, I have a kid out of wedlock and I’m miserable as time goes by.

In the end, I’m just so damn selfish, all I could think about is for me to be stress-free.

But that would never happen because the things that would make me worry less are far from reality.

9 Summoned

sequel2summons

The week before it started raining like hell, the whole family came to visit my dad's new house in PA.

Since summer is finally over, the titas' decided that we should end it by doing something worth remembering. So they made reservations near an Indian campsite 15 minutes away from my dad's place.

I've been to campsites before but I've never seen such modern campsite like Tohikon.

The bathroom areas are clean, electricity is available, the main office has access to a pool area and billiard hall and they have curfew rules (11pm is quiet time).

We were able to get 4 camp slots, one tent each. We were surrounded by RV's and trailers so privacy was very limited.

My cousins and I went hiking. The 1 mile-hike towards Nockamixon Lake was a bit fun despite the spiders and bugs we met along the way. When we got back from our long walk, food was already waiting for us. My titas' made BBQ ribs and home-made burgers.

We went fishing with the kids after lunch since a few feet away from our campsite was a small lake. Though we weren't able to catch anything, it was kinds fun reeling in the rods.

That night, the boys prepared the bonfire and we made smores. We stayed up late under the stars talking about stuff. I haven't seen my cousins (Toffie and Carl) for months and I really missed those boys. The boys decided to take turns guarding our grounds.

At around 2am, it started to rain. Being inside the tent while the rain's pouring outside just made me sleep less since I felt nervous about the tent being blown away even if we had airbeds to hold down the ground or water leaking inside the tent.

At 4am, when the rain stopped, the whole area was so dark since all bonfires were out and all lamps were turned off. But I had to sudden urge to pee, so with my flashlight, I ran towards the bathroom area without even looking back. It was so creepy walking up the steep hill and along the woods just so I could relieve my bladder. I even saw a racoon or squirrel ran past me but I had to pee so bad I didn't even mind if they jumped on me or not.

The next day, every item left outside our tents were soaking wet (the pot and pans and disposable items), we barely even had time to prepare breakfast. The grounds were so muddy, we had a hard time fixing up our tents. That afternoon we all ended up taking a shower at my dad's place.

It was fun but I wish we had more time.

Camping pictures:

the lake by our campsite



climbing up the rocks



Nockamixon lake backdrop



entering the hiking trail



goofing around on the trail



pool time



while waiting in the rest area



my feet hurts

2 Summoned

sequel2summons

For the last few days, Glenn and I have been arguing about a lot of things. He hates my insecurities and pessimism. And I just can't deal with his unattentiveness and his indiscreet way of saying his opinions. I'm just beginning to realize that we're very different in MANY ways.

There are times when I can't seem to be patient enough to argue with him. But by the time we patch things up, he simply forgets the reason why we fought in the first place and the cycle of arguing goes on again. With the stress I've been enduring for the past few months, I just can't find the energy to defend my side so I would simply drop my case and agree with whatever in silent defeat.

Sometimes I couldn't stand the constant bickering going on between us. It's like we've been piling up too many negative points from each other and would simply drop the bomb whenever one tends to annoy the other. Anything "bad" we see from each other is like a piece of ammunition, ready to fire when needed. It's just so frustrating because I feel like this wouldn't be healthy for us in the long run.

We've known each other for five years now and yet there are still things that we've been discovering about each other. Once we got married, it just seemed that our whole being changed, far from the person we've both grown to know when we were still friends and past the times when we were still dating.

I've been reading some of his past emails before we got married and I told him, "B, bat dati sweet ka sa akin?". And he said, "Eh di naman ako sweet ah." It's like he never really acknowledge the fact that we've changed over the years, maybe even growing weary of not being together for a long time. I feel like both of us have been denied the chance to express our feelings for each other in intimate ways that we end up having unresolved issues that lead us to feel like we're growing apart.

But in the end, despite bouts of debates between us, we suddenly realize that we can't live without each other. We may quarrel all the time but it would be impossible for both of us not to wake up one morning and not have the other to wake up with. Although we tend to annoy each other everyday, the constant clash of ideas give us more reasons to work out our differences and make our marriage stronger. We may not agree most of the time but our life would be so dull if we don't have anybody to make-up with at the end of the day.

3 Summoned

sequel2summons

You keep saying you're my friend but you don't even know what friendship means.

Friends don't abandon each other. They don't leave you hanging on times when you need them the most. Friends don't use you for selfish reasons. They don't come into someone's life to satisfy indulgence of their every whim. Friends stay in touch even if they meet new people. They don't just disappear on thin air just because you don't fit in the "em>new"crowd.

I've always been choosy about the people I consider as friends. It's really hard to trust people nowadays. You sometimes think that one person's already your friend then suddenly they stab you in the back without any warning at all. Most of the time, there's no warning signs to figure out who should not be in the "real" friend's list. You meet new people everyday and with all the countless faces you see all the time, you just can't see beneath the smiles who's sincere and who has other plans other than being friends.

So how and you terminate a friendship when you know that there's no valid reason to remain as friends? There are no break-ups in friendship and no reason to blame a third-party.

All I can do is give you the cold shoulder. I've been trying to do it gradual so that no one would get hurt in the process. I don't want any confrontations, no arguments, and no justifications. I just don't want to deal with the hypocrisy going on between us. But you don't seem get the message or do I have to spell it out to you?

I don't want to be harsh. I hate badmouthing people. I don't want to force myself to say things I' not suppose to say. I don' want to judge you.

But you keep popping into my life and I honestly don't want you to be part of it anymore. I've been trying to play it on a down low but you keep forcing me to play the part of an irrational bitch.

You have your own life now and I'm glad to NOT be part of it. At first, I felt left behind and out-of-place. But right now, I don't give a fucking ass anymore. I really don't care right now if you end up in "God-knows-where" land.

You have your own crowd already and it seems you've blended well with them. I can barely even recognize the person who I once considered my friend. All traces of that person disintegrated into thin air the moment you've tasted the "primadonna" lifestyle.

Well, I don't blame you. You chose that path and you have every right to do everything in order to survive, in order to blend in, and in order to move up that social ladder. I guess we don't breathe the same air anymore.

Maybe that's why our friendship wouldn't really work out. You're way up there, with those fancy night-outs, frilly clothes and frequent travels while I'm still the same mediocre person who can't seem to keep up the pace. We're not in the same level anymore.

I'm sure it wouldn't be a great loss for you to remove me from your "special" list of friends. I'm sure you have other friends to bother, to tell the things you love to brag about and to piss off whenever you feel like it.

No one really enjoys ending a friendship. You feel like shit afterwards. But we've drifted away and I just got tired of bridging that gap that was never really appreciated in the first place.

1 Summoned